freezing； but the air felt redemptive。 He felt like he could run up a mountain。
He bounded up the stairs two at a time。 Maybe it had been the outdoor air； but he barely felt winded as he reached the fifth…floor landing outside the apartment。 Or maybe it was the fact that； unlike his roommate at Evergreen； who’d hooked up with almost every girl in the Victoria Woodhull Vegan Womyn’s Co…Op； Dan would never have to go through his life uncertain that he was loved and in love。 He dug into his khakis and found his keys； held on a simple lanyard key chain that Jenny had made one summer at craft camp。
He opened the door and heard the muted sound of a film playing in Vanessa’s room。 He couldn’t wait to see her face when he surprised her。
“Honey； I’m hooooome！” Dan called eagerly。 He cracked a grin at how simple and lovely the phrase sounded。 He swung the door to his bedroom open。
“Dan！” Vanessa was lying on his bed； naked save for her red boy shorts with black X’s all over them。 But she wasn’t alone。 She was with a guy。 An equally naked guy。
Dan gaped； unsure of what was going on。 Was this a bad joke or a dream or some weird sweat lodge vision？
Vanessa scrambled out of bed and stood up； holding the blue flannel duvet around her body。 “I can explain；” she stuttered helplessly。 Her face was flushed； her lips looked red and bee…stung； and her dark eyes were wide and confused。
“Who the fuck is that？” Dan heard himself asking。 He felt like he was a character in one of those lame romantic edies that Jenny loved。 In just a second he’d find out that this wasn’t Vanessa； but her long…lost twin； who’d sneaked into the Humphreys’ house to hide her boyfriend from the Feds。
Right。
“I’ll leave you guys alone；” Hollis said bluntly。 He shrugged his shoulders and pulled on his T…shirt。 He shot Vanessa one last； long look； and then stalked out of the bedroom and out the front door。
Vanessa felt rooted to the spot。 She wanted to run after Hollis； and she wanted to fort Dan； all at once。 This was very bad。
The understatement of the year。
Dan could feel the tears beginning to well up in his hazel eyes。 He felt his heart clench。 Was this what having a heart attack felt like？
He looked around for something to throw。 He needed to hear something shattering； because that was what his heart was doing right now。 He picked up Vanessa’s video camera and hurled it； as hard as he could； against the opposite wall。 Instead of breaking； it bounced onto the floor； then rolled under the bed。
Art is indestructible。
“Fuck you；” Dan shouted。 “And by the way； you can’t live here anymore！”
He stormed out of the room and through the front door of his apartment； slamming the door behind him； and hurtled down the fire stairs。 His hands were shaking。 He was home； but he felt further away from anything he’d ever known。
Sometimes home is where the heart breaks。
that’s what makes b a fighter
“Here’s good！” Serena announced to her driver as the Lincoln Town Car sailed past Nate’s limestone town house on Eighty…second。 Normally； Serena was embarrassed that her agent demanded she be provided a town car for transportation to and from Coffee at the Palace shoots； but today； she was thankful that she could easily slip away from the soundstage。
“Sure thing；” the driver said easily。
Serena slipped out of the car and bounded up the snowy steps of Nate’s town house。 As she ran； she didn’t notice the fresh set of footprints on the snow leading up to the door。
She yanked off her ugly red Hermès goatskin driving gloves； a gift from her chain…smoking LA publicist； and stuffed them in the terra…cotta planter sitting to the left of the entrance。 She pressed Nate’s buzzer with her red polished fingernails。 It was dark outside； and the freshly falling snow made Serena feel nostalgic。 Always on the first snowfall of the year； she； Blair； and Nate would meet for hot chocolate； then sit on the steps of the Met； not caring how cold it was。 Maybe she and Nate could go there tonight。
“Hello？” Nate’s voice sounded sleepy。 Had she woken him up？
Not really。
“Natie！” she yelled into the inter； trying to calm herself。 She didn’t want to just burst in his room and profess her love。 “It’s me and it’s freezing！”
“Serena？” His crackly voice sounded incredulous through the inter。
“No； silly； it’s your mom。 Of course it’s me！” she said impatiently。
“Oh。” Nate paused and Serena held her breath。 She didn’t have another script to follow。 Nate had to let her in。 “e in；” he said finally； pressing the buzzer long and loud。
Serena pulled open the door； ran up the stairs； and burst into Nate’s bedroom。 One of the best things about Nate’s house was the fact that the third floor was entirely his。 When they were younger； they used to pretend his bedroom； den； and bathroom were their own private apartment。
Some people still like playing house。
“Hello？” Serena called again； hearing her voice bounce off the dark oak ceiling。
Nate walked out of the bathroom； wearing a wrinkled green T…shirt and green plaid boxers。 Serena looked gorgeous and healthy and happy； all in one spectacular package。 He was suddenly very aware of the fact that Blair was still showering。 “What are you doing here？” Nate asked。 Blair had said Serena was at rehearsal all day。
“I was just in the neighborhood！” Serena wandered over to his dresser and picked up a model sailboat。 She passed it gently from hand to hand as if playing a game of catch with herself。 “So； what have you been up to today？ It’s freezing。”
“Not much；” Nate mumbled。 How long had Blair been in the shower？ Ten minutes； fifteen minutes？ She usually took forever； but he wasn’t sure how much time he had。
To do what； exactly？
Nate felt confused。 Just as he’d always felt whenever he was with Serena and Blair at the same time。 Why did they have to be so confusing？ He loved Blair。 He was following Blair to school； for God’s sake。 So then why did Serena； with her deep blue eyes that reminded him of the Pacific Ocean and her long limbs； tight and taut like the strings of a tennis racket； make him feel… well； make him feel the way he felt right now。
Serena put down the tiny sailboat model and picked up another； larger ship with three tiny canvas sails。 Ever since she could remember； Nate had been obsessed with sailboats。 She knew she was avoiding what she really wanted to say； but now that she was here； there were so many emotions bubbling inside her； she wasn’t sure where to begin。
“You know； we’re supposed to wrap Coffee at the Palace next week。 After that； I don’t have any projects。 My parents were hoping I’d start at Yale in the spring； but I think I need an adventure。” She felt her heart hammering in her chest。 “Are you going sailing again？ Maybe I could e；” she offered； her face breaking into a sunny smile。
“It’s not that much of an adventure。 A lot of knot tying；” Nate said nonsensically。 He knew he should explain that he and Blair were together now； and that he was going to Yale with her； but he couldn’t。 Instead； he imagined what it would be like on the ocean with Serena。
“I like tying knots。 I