Rufus boomed； holding up one hand； palm out in a stop…in…the…name…of…love pose； as if he were
auditioning to be the next Supreme。 Dan was too surprised to do anything but ply。 He closed
his eyes； his mind racing with the possibilities。 Chinese food for lunch？ He was starving。 An iPod
to take to college with him？ A first edition of his favorite novel of all time；The Sorrows of Young
Werther by Goethe？
？Danny； darrrrrrrling！？ A preening； soprano…pitched voice sang out behind Rufus。 Dan？s eyes
snapped open。 Whatever he was expecting； it definitely wasn？t this。
？Mom？！？
Jeanette Humphrey flew into the room like an exotic bird just released from captivity； dressed in
a turquoise floor…length sundress and carrying two large brown shopping bags。 She threw her long；
gray…streaked mousy brown hair over one shoulder； elbowed Rufus aside with an exasperated sigh；
and flung her skinny arms around Dan in a cloud of poisonously strong floral perfume。 Dan just
stood there in a state of shock； his arms like chow fun noodles as he tried to wrap his mind around
the fact that this was actually happening。 What the fuck？ Was this really his mother； after； what；ten
years？ Or was this an acid flashback； like a real…life Howl poem？ Oh wait； he had never done acid。
What was shedoing here？
Vanessa watched with a fascination that bordered on horror as the mythical Mrs。 Humphrey
proceeded to kiss Dan all over his face； leaving violent tracks of bright pink lipstick smeared
across his sunken cheeks。
？Howare you； my pet？？ Jeanette chirped as she squeezed her son so tightly it looked like he
might suffer internal organ damage。 ？It？s been absolutelyages ！？ She cupped Dan？s pained；
mortified face and led him； zombielike； to the couch。 Vanessa had never seen him get whisked
around before and with so little plaint。 Rufus winked merrily at Vanessa from beneath his
white hat； and sauntered through the chipped； oak…trimmed doorway into the kitchen。 Vanessa
followed him； not quite sure where to go。 Rufus pulled out a clear Tupperware container full of
weird brown goo that had been shoved in the back of the fridge； peeling back the lid and sniffing
happily。
？Redecorating？？ His voice boomed as he opened the utensil drawer and rummaged through
it。 ？The curtains look phenomenal！ That your golden touch； Dan？？ Rufus yelled toward the living
room。 ？This place could usesomething ； that？s for sure。？ He pulled out a lime green spatula and
began using it as a spoon。
？It could use something？like a wrecking ball！？ Jeanette？s voice rang out from the other
room。 ？Or a can of gasoline and a lit match！？ She came striding into the kitchen； the blue folds of
her sundress flying to and fro； while Dan trailed behind； carrying her bags。 Gliding up to Vanessa；
she smiled broadly and extended one hand laden with turquoise rings for Vanessa to shake 。 。 。 or
kiss 。 。 。 or high…five？ It was hard to tell； the way she was holding it； and finally Vanessa just
bumped fists with her like they were old homies。
What up； dawg？
It was so strange meeting Dan？s mom after all this time？it was like looking at a slightly more
feminine version of Dan？plete with long brown hair and too much hippie jewelry。 ？You must
be Vanessa；？ Jeanette exclaimed； her hazel…blue eyes sparkling manically。 ？I？ve heardso much
about you。？ ？You too；？ Vanessa lied； because in truth； she really hadn？t。 As far as she knew； Dan？s
mom had disappeared with Count Dracula or Count Chocula or something and was never heard
from again。
Dan？s palms were slick with sweat and his wrists trembled under the weight of the bags。 His
mother。 Really； she was the last thing he needed。 On top of trying to figure out once and for all
whether or not he was gay； he was going to have to play catch…up with this person who had
basically abandoned him when he was only eight。 Or was he ten？ She？s been gone so long he
really couldn？t remember。 He？d certainly stopped missing her years ago； but now here she was in
all her perfumed； turquoise jewelry…wearing glory； acting like her presence was really no big deal。
Jesus。 Jenny had seen their mom in Prague。Why hadn？t shewarned him？
Dan brought in his mother？s packages and placed them gently on the kitchen floor。 Vanessa tried
to make eye contact with him but his eyes were glued downward； and he was seemingly deep in
thought。 Or in a trance。 Maybe his mother had hypnotized him？ Maybe she was a New Age
gypsy？
？Now； Dan；？ Jeanette began； as she rooted through the cavernous bags； pulling out assorted
packages and placing them on top of the piles of newspapers covering the kitchen table； ？Jenny
told me all about your special announcement； and I？m here to help you celebrate！？ Vanessa stifled
a nervous laugh as Dan？s face turned sheet white。
Rufus held the spatula； piled with what Vanessa was now convinced was dog food； even though
they didn？t have a dog。 ？What announcement？？ ？Coffee！？ Jeanette chirped excitedly opening a
large pink box and shoving the contents under Dan？s nose。 ？Will go perfectly withthese 。？ Dan
craned his neck and peered inside。 Cradled in white wax paper was a chocolate ？clair。 Two plump
cream puffs nestled on either side of the long； frosted pastry。 His face flushed red with
embarrassment。 Maybe he was just being paranoid or perverted； but that looked a whole lot like
a？？It？s a penis！？ his mother trilled； as if reading her son？s thoughts。 ？It？s to celebrate Dan being
gay！？ Jeanette practically screamed。 ？The cream in the center is the sweetest part。？ She winked。
Um； ew？
？Gay？？Rufus brought the spatula to his lips and chewed thoughtfully。 ？When did this happen？？
All eyes turned to Dan。 ？Like 。 。 。 I don？t know exactly；？ he stammered； wishing the parquet floor
would just open up and swallow him whole。 His mother had traveled three thousand miles just to
give him a penis pastry？ She was back because he？d e out of the closet？ He was going tokill
Jenny for opening her little mouth。 Besides； what did penises have to do with anything？ There was
nothing sexual about his conundrum。
Wasn？t there？
Rufus shrugged and took another bite of mustard…brown slop。 ？And here I thought Jeanie just
missed me？ha！？ Dan？s hand flew to his chest in an unconscious and totally effeminate gesture。
Rufus continued； an insane…looking grin now plastered to his bearded face。 ？Well； you？ll
remember what you？re missing now； won？t you Jean…Jean？ Andthen you？ll be sick of living like
royalty in Europe。？ He shook the lime green apparatus at her and turned back to Dan。 ？Does this
mean I need to learn to cook quiche？？ he asked。
？Anyway；？ Jeanette sang out； ignoring her estranged husband as she began pulling what looked
like yards of magenta silk out of a large white box。 ？I brought you some gifts to mark this very
important transition into your new lifestyle。 Look！？ She held up what appeared to be a fuchsia
pink jumpsuit with sparkling gold laces up the front。 As she excitedly held it up to Dan？s body； it
became immediately apparent that it was about ten sizes too small？which was only fitting； since
the last present she？d sent