this what it is to live again 。 。 。 to wake up with our unstilled thirst upon us；
with our unuttered curses rising to our lips； with our muscles ready to act
out their half…mitted sins？
Bertha stood pale at the foot of the bed； quivering and helpless；
despairing of devices； like a cunning animal whose hiding…places are
surrounded by swift…advancing flame。 Even Meunier looked paralysed；
life for that moment ceased to be a scientific problem to him。 As for me；
this scene seemed of one texture with the rest of my existence： horror
was my familiar； and this new revelation was only like an old pain
recurring with new circumstances。
* * *
Since then Bertha and I have lived apartshe in her own
neighbourhood； the mistress of half our wealth； I as a wanderer in foreign
countries； until I came to this Devonshire nest to die。 Bertha lives pitied
and admired； for what had I against that charming woman； whom every
one but myself could have been happy with？ There had been no witness
of the scene in the dying room except Meunier； and while Meunier lived
his lips were sealed by a promise to me。
Once or twice； weary of wandering； I rested in a favourite spot； and
my heart went out towards the men and women and children whose faces
were being familiar to me； but I was driven away again in terror at the
approach of my old insightdriven away to live continually with the one
Unknown Presence revealed and yet hidden by the moving curtain of the
earth and sky。 Till at last disease took hold of me and forced me to rest
hereforced me to live in dependence on my servants。 And then the
curse of insightof my double consciousness； came again； and has never
left me。 I know all their narrow thoughts； their feeble regard； their half…
wearied pity。
* * *
It is the 20th of September； 1850。 I know these figures I have just
written； as if they were a long familiar inscription。 I have seen them on
this pace in my desk unnumbered times； when the scene of my dying
struggle has opened upon me 。 。 。
（1859）