since I was forced to do away with hapless Elegant； who was a brother to me；
and only now have I； to some extent； accepted my situation。
I would’ve preferred to resolve this unexpected and awful dilemma without
having to do away with anybody； but I knew there was no other choice。 I
handled the matter then and there； assuming the burden of responsibility。 I
couldn’t let the false accusations of one foolhardy man endanger the entire
society of miniaturists。
Nevertheless； being a murderer takes some getting used to。 I can’t stand
being at home； so I head out to the street。 I can’t stand my street； so I walk on
to another； and then another。 As I stare at people’s faces； I realize that many of
them believe they’re innocent because they haven’t yet had the opportunity to
snuff out a life。 It’s hard to believe that most men are more moral or better
than me simply on account of some minor twist of fate。 At most； they wear
somewhat stupider expressions because they haven’t yet killed； and like all
fools； they appear to have good intentions。 After I took care of that pathetic
man； wandering the streets of Istanbul for four days was enough to confirm
that everyone with a gleam of cleverness in his eye and the shadow of his soul
cast across his face was a hidden assassin。 Only imbeciles are innocent。
Tonight； for example； while warming up with a steaming coffee at the
coffeehouse located in the back streets of the slave market； gazing at the sketch
of a dog hanging on the back wall； I was gradually forgetting my plight and
laughing with the rest of them at everything the dog recounted。 Then； I had
the sensation that one of the men beside me was a mon murderer like
myself。 Though he was simply laughing at the storyteller as I was； my intuition
was sparked； either by the way his arm rested near mine or by the way he
restlessly rapped his fingers on his cup。 I’m not sure how I knew； but I
suddenly turned and looked him directly in the eye。 He gave a start and his
face contorted。 As the crowd dispersed； an acquaintance of his took him by the
arm and said； “Nusret Hoja’s men will surely raid this place。”
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Raising an eyebrow； he signaled the man quiet。 Their fear infected me。 No
one trusted anyone； everyone expected to be done in at any moment by the
man next to him。
It had bee even colder； and snow had accumulated on street corners
and at the bases of walls。 In the blindness of night； I could find my way along
the narrow streets only by groping with my hands。 At times； the dim light of
an oil lamp still burning somewhere inside a wooden house filtered out from
behind blackened windows and drawn shutters； reflecting on the snow； but
mostly； I could see nothing； and found my way by listening for the sounds of
watchmen banging their sticks on stones； for the howling of mad dogs； or the
sounds ing from houses。 At times the narrow and dreadful streets of the
city seemed to be lit up by a wondrous light ing from the snow itself； and
in the darkness； amid the ruins and trees； I thought I spotted one of those
ghosts that have made Istanbul such an ominous place for thousands of years。
From within houses； now and again； I heard the noises of miserable people
having coughing fits or snorting or wailing as they cried out in their dreams；
or I heard the shouts of husbands and wives as they tried to strangle each
other； their children sobbing at their feet。
For a couple of nights in a row； I came to this coffeehouse to relive the
happiness I’d felt before being a murderer； to raise my spirits and to listen
to the storyteller。 Most of my miniaturist friends； the brethren with whom I’d
spent my entire life； came here every night。 Since I’d silenced that lout with
whom I’d made illustrations since childhood I didn’t want to see any of them。
Much embarrasses me about the lives of my brethren； who can’t do without
gossiping； and about the disgraceful atmosphere of joviality in this place。 I
even sketched a few pictures for the storyteller so they wouldn’t accuse me of
conceit； but that failed to put an end to their envy。
They’re justified in being jealous。 Not one of them could surpass me in
mixing colors； in creating and embellishing borders； posing pages；
selecting subjects； drawing faces； arranging bustling war and hunting scenes
and depicting beasts； sultans； ships； horses； warriors and lovers。 Not one could
approach my mastery in imbuing illustrations with the poetry of the soul； not
even in gilding。 I’m not bragging； but explaining this to you so you might fully
understand me。 Over time； jealousy bees an element as indispensable as
paint in the life of the master artist。
During my walks； which grow increasingly longer due to my restlessness； I
e face…to…face occasionally with one of our most pure and innocent
religious countrymen； and a strange notion suddenly enters my head： If I think
19
about the fact that I’m a murderer； the man before me will read it on my face。
Therefore； I force myself to think of different things； just as I forced myself；
writhing in embarrassment； to banish thoughts of women when performing
prayers as an adolescent。 But unlike those days of youthful fits when I couldn’t
get the act of copulation out of my thoughts； now； I can indeed forget the
murder that I’ve mitted。
You realize； in fact； that I’m explaining all these things because they relate
to my predicament。 But if I were to divulge even one detail related to the
killing itself； you’d figure it all out and this would relieve me from being a
nameless； faceless murderer roaming among you like an apparition and
relegate me to the status of an ordinary； confessed criminal who has given
himself up； soon to pay for his crime with his head。 Give me the license not to
dwell on every single detail； allow me to keep some clues to myself： Try to
discover who I am from my choice of words and colors； as attentive people like
yourselves might examine footprints to catch a thief。 This； in turn； brings us to
the issue of “style；” which is now of widespread interest： Does a miniaturist；
ought a miniaturist； have his own personal style？ A use of color； a voice all his
own？
Let’s consider a piece by Bihzad； the master of masters； patron saint of all
miniaturists。 I happened across this masterpiece； which also nicely pertains to
my situation because it’s a depiction of murder； among the pages of a flawless
niy…year…old book of the Herat school。 It emerged from the library of a
Persian prince killed in a merciless battle of succession and recounts the story
of Hüsrev and Shirin。 You； of course； know the fate of Hüsrev and Shirin； I refer
to Nizami’s version； not Firdusi’s：
The two lovers fina