the notebook-恋恋笔记本(英文版)- 第26部分

〃What　are　you　doing？〃　I　ask。

〃I　don't　want　to　forget　you　or　this　day；　and　I'm　trying　to　keep　your　memory　alive。〃

Will　it　work　this　time？　I　wonder；　then　know　it　will　not。　It　can't。　I　do　not　tell　her　my　thoughts；　though。　I　smile　instead　because　her　words　are　sweet。

〃Thank　you；〃　I　say。

〃I　mean　it。　I　don't　want　to　forget　you　again。　You're　very　special　to　me。　I　don't　know　what　I　would　have　done　without　you　today。〃

My　throat　closes　a　little。　There　is　emotion　behind　her　words；　the　emotions　I　feel　whenever　I　think　of　her。　I　know　this　is　why　I　live；　and　I　love　her　dearly　at　this　moment。　How　I　wish　I　were　strong　enough　to　carry　her　in　my　arms　to　paradise。

〃Don't　try　to　say　anything；〃　she　tells　me。　〃Let's　just　feel　the　moment。〃

And　I　do；　and　I　feel　heaven。

HER　DISEASE　is　worse　now　than　it　was　in　the　beginning；　though　Allie　is　different　from　most。　There　are　three　others　with　the　disease　here；　and　they　are　the　sum　of　my　practical　experience　of　it。　They；　unlike　Allie；　are　in　the　most　advanced　stages　of　Alzheimer's　and　are　almost　pletely　lost。　They　wake　up　hallucinating　and　confused。　They　repeat　themselves　over　and　over。　Seldom　do　they　recognize　the　people　who　love　them。　It　is　a　trying　disease；　and　this　is　why　it　is　hard　for　their　children　and　mine　to　visit。

Allie；　of　course；　has　her　own　problems。　She　is　terribly　afraid　in　the　mornings　and　cries　inconsolably。　She　sees　tiny　people；　like　gnomes；　I　think；　watching　her；　and　she　screams　at　them　to　get　away。　She　bathes　willingly　but　will　not　eat　regularly。　She　is　thin　now；　much　too　thin　in　my　opinion；　and　on　good　days　I　do　my　best　to　fatten　her　up。

But　this　is　where　the　similarity　ends。　This　is　why　Allie　is　considered　a　miracle；　because　sometimes；　just　sometimes；　after　I　read　to　her；　her　condition　isn't　so　bad。　There　is　no　explanation　for　this。　〃It's　impossible；〃　the　doctors　say；　〃she　cannot　have　Alzheimer's。〃　But　she　does。　On　most　days　and　every　morning　there　can　be　no　doubt。

But　why；　then；　is　her　condition　different？　Why　does　she　sometimes　change　after　I　read？　I　tell　the　doctors　the　reason—I　know　it　in　my　heart；　but　I　am　not　believed。　Four　times　specialists　have　travelled　from　Chapel　Hill　to　find　the　answer。　Four　times　they　have　left　without　understanding。　I　tell　them；　〃You　can't　possibly　understand　it　if　you　use　only　your　science　training　and　your　books；〃　but　they　shake　their　heads　and　answer：　〃Alzheimer's　does　not　work　like　this。　With　her　condition；　it's　just　not　possible　to　have　a　conversation　or　improve　as　the　day　goes　on。　Ever。〃

But　she　does。　Not　every　day；　not　most　of　the　time；　and　definitely　less　than　she　used　to。　But　sometimes。　And　all　that　is　gone　on　these　days　is　her　memory；　as　if　she　has　amnesia。　Her　emotions　are　normal；　her　thoughts　are　normal。　And　these　are　the　days　that　I　know　I　am　doing　right。

DINNER　IS　WAITING　in　her　room　when　we　return。　It　has　been　arranged　for　us　to　eat　here；　as　it　always　is　on　days　like　these；　and　once　again　I　could　ask　for　no　more。　The　people　here　are　good　to　me　and　I　am　thankful。

The　lights　are　dimmed；　the　room　is　lit　by　two　candles　on　the　table　where　we　will　sit；　and　music　is　playing　softly　in　the　background。　The　cups　and　plates　are　plastic　and　the　carafe　is　filled　with　apple　juice；　but　rules　are　rules　and　she　doesn't　seem　to　care。

She　inhales　slightly　at　the　sight。　Her　eyes　are　wide。　〃Did　you　do　this？〃

I　nod　and　she　walks　into　the　room。

〃It　looks　beautiful。〃

I　offer　my　arm　in　escort　and　lead　her　to　the　window。　She　doesn't　release　it　when　we　get　there。　Her　touch　is　nice；　and　we　stand　close　together　on　this　crystal　springtime　evening。　The　window　is　open　slightly　and　I　feel　a　breeze　as　it　fans　my　cheek。　The　moon　has　risen　and　we　watch　for　a　long　time　as　the　evening　sky　unfolds。

〃I've　never　seen　anything　so　beautiful；　I'm　sure　of　it；〃　she　says。

〃I　haven't；　either；〃　I　say；　but　I　am　looking　at　her。　She　knows　what　I　mean　and　I　see　her　smile。

A　moment　later　she　whispers：　〃I　think　I　know　who　Allie　went　with　at　the　end　of　the　story。〃

〃Who？〃

〃She　went　with　Noah。〃

〃You're　sure？〃

〃Absolutely。〃

I　smile　and　nod。　〃Yes；　she　did；〃　I　say　softly；　and　she　smiles　back；　her　face　radiant。

She　sits　and　I　sit　opposite　her。　She　offers　her　hand　across　the　table　and　I　take　it　in　mine；　and　I　feel　her　thumb　begin　to　move　as　it　did　so　many　years　ago。　I　stare　at　her　for　a　long　time；　living　and　reliving　the　moments　of　my　life；　remembering　it　all　and　making　it　real。　I　feel　my　throat　begin　to　tighten　and　once　again　I　realize　how　much　I　love　her。

My　voice　is　shaky　when　I　finally　speak。

〃You're　so　beautiful；〃　I　say。　I　can　see　in　her　eyes　that　she　knows　how　I　feel　about　her　and　what　I　really　mean　by　my　words。

She　does　not　respond。　Instead　she　lowers　her　eyes　and　I　wonder　what　she's　thinking。　She　gives　me　no　clues　and　I　gently　squeeze　her　hand。　I　wait。　I　know　her　heart　and　I　know　I'm　almost　there。

And　then　a　miracle　that　proves　me　right。　As　Glenn　Miller　plays　softly　in　a　candlelit　room；　I　watch　as　she　gradually　gives　in　to　the　feelings　inside　her。　I　see　a　warm　smile　begin　to　form　on　her　lips；　the　kind　that　makes　it　all　worth　while；　and　I　watch　as　she　raises　her　hazy　eyes　to　mine。　She　pulls　my　hand　towards　her。　〃You're　wonderful。。。〃　she　says　softly；　and　at　that　moment　she　falls　in　love　with　me；　too；　this　I　know；　for　I　have　seen　the　signs　a　thousand　times。

She　says　nothing　else　right　away；　she　doesn't　have　to；　and　she　gives　me　a　look　from　another　lifetime　that　makes　me　whole　again。　I　smile　back；　with　as　much　passion　as　I　can　muster；　and　we　stare　at　each　other　with　the　feelings　inside　us　rolling　like　ocean　waves。　I　look　about　the　room；　then　back　at　Allie；　and　the　way　she's　looking　at　me　makes　me　warm。　And　suddenly　I　feel　young　again。　I'm　no　longer　cold　or　aching；　or　hunched　over　or　almost　blind　with　cataracts。　I'm　strong　and　proud　and　the　luckiest　man　alive；　and　I　keep　on　feeling　that　way　for　a　long　time。

By　the　time　the　candles　have　burned　down　a　third；　I　am　ready　to　break　the　silence。　I　say；　〃I　love　you　deeply　and　I　hope　you　know　that。〃

〃Of　course　I　do；〃　she　says。　〃I've　always　loved　you；　Noah。〃

Noah；　I　hear　again。　The　word　echoes　in　my　head。　Noah　。　。　。　Noah。　She　knows；　I　think　to　myself；　she　knows　who　I　am　。　。　。

She　knows。　。　。　。　Such　a　tiny　thing；　this　knowledge；　but　for　me　it　is　a　gift　from　God；　and　I　feel　our　lifetime　together；　holding　her；　loving　her；　and　being　with　her　through　the　best　years　of　my　life。

She　murmurs；　〃Noah　。　。　。　my　sweet　Noah　。。。”

And　I；　who　could　not　accept　the　doctors'　words；　have　triumphed　again；　at　least　for　a　moment。　I　give　up　the　pretence　of　mystery；　and　I　kiss　her　hand　and　bring　it　to　my　cheek　and　whisper　in　her　ear：　〃You　are　the　greatest　thing　that　has　ever　happened　to　me。〃

　　　　〃Oh　。　。　。　Noah；〃　she　says　with　tears　in　her　eyes；　〃I　love　you；　too。〃

IF　ONLY　IT　would　end　like　this；　I　would　be　a　happy　man。

But　it　won't。　Of　this　I'm　sure；　for　as　time　slips　by　I　begin　to　see　the　signs　of　concern　in　her　face。

〃What's　wrong？〃　I　ask；　and　her　answer　es　softly。

〃I'm　so　afraid。　I'm　afraid　of　forgetting　you　again。　It　isn't　fair　。　。　。　I　just　can't　bear　to　give　this　up。〃　Her　voice　breaks　as　she　finishes；　but　I　don't　know　what　to　say。　I　know　the　evening　is　ing